Knowing What Is Best For Me

Brushing the dust off this old journal and revisiting some older posts, a flood of memories overwhelmes me and I am left feeling drowned with emotions. 

For a long time, I was in denial and disillusioned to think I could fight off to forget nearly a decade’s worth of memories, experiences and emotions. To think that building something new with someone else would help ease the pain. Oh how silly I was. For nearly every turn, every thought, every sight of something we shared brought back everything. All the tears, the laughter, the touch, the kisses, the goodbyes.. 

I’d admit that it still hurts. But I have come a long way since to realise that it isn’t about erasing the past but acknowledging that it will forever be a part of me. You were integral in shaping the me today. And I can’t thank you enough for all the good that you showed me, the love you showered me, the way you embraced life that constantly reminded me of the way it should be enjoyed. But most of all, you showed me what it meant to have a life partner and to know, what being in love and how it felt being loved is like. 

Thanks to you, I know what is best for me.

I miss you and I still love you. It is probably the first time I am saying it out loud to myself and putting it out there. You will always have that special place in my heart that was carved out for you since the day we met. No one will ever replace you but I do hope that someday, someone would fill my heart with such intensity of love that I would be able to look forward into the future with optimism and renewed sense of hope without having to look back into the past. 

In this new year, I am starting it afresh and restarting my life on my own. It is exciting as it is terrifying to be exploring this new solo adventure. It has been awhile. With this, I will endeavour to embrace this journey with an open heart, an open mind and with the strength I nearly forgot I had, in search for what I know is best for me.