Reflecting a not so distant past..and moving forward

Drama, tears, pain, guilt, worry, fear, conflict, anguish, adventures, new beginnings, first time, boundaries, lessons, shame, excitement, laughter, nervousness, comfort, family, warmth, .... and the list continues. Adjectives that pretty much summed up 2012 for me. 

To keep it brief - having it all written out would require me to produce an Eat Pray Love equivalent, there were many events and adventures that I would turn back time in a heart beat just to relive it and there were those at the opposite end of the spectrum where I look back, get wrecked in grief, shame and sadness and wished none of all that I regretted had ever happened. It would suffice to say that I experienced both extreme ends of the life scale: of everything extremely positive to everything extremely negative. I did it and experienced it all in one eventful and crazy year of 2012. 

To say I learnt a lot during the year 2012 would be the understatement of the year. It felt as though I was thrown into the deep seas and was expected to learn deep sea diving on my own. I was groping through the darkness, half drowning; barely surviving. 

In retrospect, I now see that 2012 was definitely going to be something different for me. I went head on into the new year anticipating, wanting, needing, wishing for new experiences. It was as if my subconscious self knew it before I actually did. Of course I had no clue that the path I would take would eventually lead me to be who I am today but already on the start of the new year I celebrated it at a foreign country without my family. Interestingly, that kicked off the start of new adventures, experiences, lessons ...and basically, everything NEW and foreign to me. 

It was certainly overwhelming. There were many times I questioned the Whys, the Hows, the Whats and the Whens. I was lost. 

Not saying that I completely found myself but I am slowly accepting and realising that it is not all about "finding" yourself through worrying, questioning dark deep questions that no one has answers to but God, fearful of the future, or using it as an excuse to do things that you would regret. Doing all these would only give oneself panic attacks, anxiety attacks, and whatever other attacks that does nothing good to the mind, emotionally and spiritually. 

Instead, I learn to take one day at a time. To slowly bring myself back down to reality, be gentle and take moments off to love myself. It is not easy to really understand the depth of the meaning of being gentle or loving oneself but after having been through the drama, these words carry a different weight in its meaning now. 

I can definitely see myself growing up. Like someone watching a young child grow up, I see now the innocent child-like perspective I once held of the world slowly maturing, taking time to learn the details in every two sided coin, yet preserving some innocence as a shield and form of protection to fall back on to see the beauty and light in darkness of the world. 

I am not afraid to admit that I am scared of making mistakes. Mistakes that would mean lost opportunities, cause pain and bring the worst of me. But like most mistakes, we are gifted with the sixth sense to actually anticipate it so we just need to be more observant and stronger, and if we do fall into the pit hole, we take it as lessons in life and move on. 

Here is to another year of learning more of ourselves to be better versions of us. ;)